Le jour treize.

Dear Joshua,

       This letter is never going to get to you, ever, but I need to write it anyways. You're not the same person you used to be. You've changed so much. You never treat me the same as you used to. I don't know if those are the reasons I no longer feel connected to you, or maybe I was never really in love. It's hard to tell at this moment. All I know is I'm not happy. You don't make me happy. It hurts terribly the things you do and say, or don't do and say. Is it really too much to ask for you to pay attention to me from time to time? I mean, REALLY pay attention? Or do and say sweet things for me like you used to?

       I chose to have our baby because you convinced me it was the best for us. I believed it would bring us closer together. Insead, it's torn us apart. I love my son to death and I'll never regret having him, I just meant you promised something, and once again didn't pull through in keeping that promise. Do you know I cry every single day? Maybe not physical tears, but I cry, on the inside. I just want you to notice I'm not happy. Notice that something is terribly wrong with me. You haven't even noticed I took up purging and starving again. You never think twice about my skipping meals and "never being hungry", or always being "too sick to eat."

       Maybe you haven't hurt me physically, but you're hurting my emotionally. I just don't know how much longer I can take it. You need to open your eyes and see that I need more from you. If you don't....I'm terrified I won't be able to keep this relationship going...I can't be with someone who doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated. I know I don't deserve it, but it's still nice to have someone who actually cares about you and can show it. You just don't. I don't know if you do it on purpose or you just can't. Either way, it's not enough. I need to be cared about. I need to know I'm cared about. Like you used to do....

       I love you, but I'm losing my patience waiting for you to show me you love me in return......

Update.

Prom is today!!

I have a really great dress, and amazing shoes.

It's making me all giddy and what not.

Which is odd, I never want to go to dances.

My birthday is in FIVE days.

I still have no idea what I'm doing for it.

My dad hasn't even asked me what I want to do.

I'm going to be an ADULT.

How cool is that?

My son will be 2 months in three days.

He's getting big so fast...too fast.

It doesn't seem like that long ago I had him.

It makes me somewhat depressed.

Graduation is in 38 days.

I'm finally going to be out of high school and in to college.

I'm starting to feel rather old....

Downer:

I'm not losing any weight.

I'm not gaining any either.

I've been stuck at 130 lbs for the past 3 weeks.

It's maintainging itself no matter how little I eat.

So I decided to stop my diet since it isn't working.

This doesn't mean I'm going to eat whatever now.

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

I am definitely keeping an eye out on my calorie intake.

I'm just not going to continue the diet.

Once summer rolls around I'll be able to go to the gym more often.

And trust me, I'll be spending most of my day there.

Most of my week actually, unless I get a job.

Anyway, that's what's happening.

I must go now, I need to get ready for prom.(:

Stay thin.

Getting Personal.

I'm extremely bored. So here's a pretty personal survey about myself.

1. Ever cheated on someone? How many times?:

 Yes. I've cheated on five guys. All of them were assholes and abused me.

I feel no regret/guilt about doing so.

2. How old were you when you lost your virginity? Or if you are a virgin, what age do you think you’ll lose it at?:

I didn't lose my virginity willingly. I was forced into it.

The first time I did have sex willingly, I was fifteen, nearly sixteen.

3. Are you “IN love” with somebody?

So in love with him.

5. Did you ever do anything sexual on your parents bed?:

No, never.

6. Ever been “the other person” in an affair?: 

I dated a guy, who apparently was already in a relationship.

I had no idea he was with someone, so we both were kind of "the other person."

7. How many people do you have a crush on right now?:

One, and it's much more than a crush.

9. Ever had a one night stand?:

No. Never have and never will.

10. Ever gotten drunk and couldn’t remember the night?:

No I have not.

11. Ever been sexually harassed and/or assaulted?:

Both, multiple times.

12. Ever had a crush on your neighbor?:

I don't know my neighbors.

13. Ever snuck out of the house?:

Yes.

14. How many illegal drugs have you tried?

Marijuana.

15. Do you do any drug regularly?:

Marijuana whenever I can.

16. If you’re underage, do you still drink and/or smoke cigarettes?:

I don't smoke cigarettes.

But yes, I drink alcohol.

17. Ever self-harmed?:

Yes.

18. Ever attempted suicide?:

I don't have the guts...

19. Ever been to therapy? Why for?:

Yes. Depression and eating disorders.

20. Have you ever been so upset that you stopped eating?:

Multiple times.

21. Are you clinically depressed? Are you taking anything for it?:

So they say. I used to take Wellbutrin and some other stuff. Not any longer though.

23. How old were you when you first got kissed?:

I think maybe thirteen.

It was god-aweful.

24. Is there any “friend” of yours that you secretly hate but talk to anyway?:

I don't hate him/her, I just dislike them slightly. But everyone's got a friend like that.

25. Ever been in a relationship and wanted to end it, but stuck with it for some reason?:

Yeah, it was so stupid.

26. Ever sent naked pictures to someone?:

Only to my recent boyfriend.

27. What about sent them to someone you met over the internet?:

No way. Never.

28. Ever been abused?:

Yeah, and I was dumb enough to not say anything...

29. Did you ever run away? How long were you gone for and what happened?:

No, but I thought of it a lot when I lived with my mom. I even packed my stuff, but she found it and I got in a lot of trouble, lol.

30. Do you ever lie to yourself about things so much that you believe it?:

I try. I try so hard to make myself believe I'm beautiful, but it just doesn't work.

31. Have you ever liked someone when you were dating someone else?:

Lol, I've dated five people while being obsessed with my current boyfriend. So yes.

32. Ever dated a friend’s ex?:

Uhm, kind of I suppose. But we weren't friends until after I started dating the guy.

33. Ever done something with your friend’s significant other?

No way, I could never do something like that.

34. Did anyone ever confide in you about being gay/lesbian?:

Yeahhh, my bestfriend!<3

35. Have you ever questioned your sexual orientation? What are you?:

Yeah. It's still in question.

36. Do you know of someone who has done a horrible crime but never got caught?

Yes...

37. Ever stole a large sum of money?:

God no. People who do are pitiful.

38. Ever purposely threw up?:

Yeah....

39. Ever had an eating disorder? What happened?:

They say I'm anorexic and bulimic.

40. Did you or anyone you know have an abortion? What were your thoughts?:

I've never had one, but I know people. And it's their choice. It's just the best option for some situations.  

41. Were you or any of your siblings in an accident?:

Yeah, we've been in a couple car accidents, nothing major.

42. Ever found porn on your parents’ computer?:

Eww. No.

43. Do you look at porn?:

Again, ewww, and no.

44. How many people have seen you naked in person?:

Only two.

45. What about through pictures?:

Only one.

46. Ever had cyber/phone sex?

With my boyfriend.

47. Ever got a piercing behind your parents’ back?:

No, but I stretched my ears without permission. They're my ears, it's not like people can control what I do with my body.

48. Ever sold or bought an illegal substance (drugs, or something you shouldn’t be buying at your age, things like that)?:

No. 

49. What’s your biggest fear?:

Losing my son.

Being fat.

50. Have you ever faced that fear? What happened?:

Not the first.

But I am fat, so yes to the second.

51. Have you ever almost died? What happened?:

I ODed on my antidepressants.

I got so sick I was shaking violently and getting extremely hot.

I forced myself to throw up so I wouldn't die.

I'm so weak it's pathetic...

Happy Easter?

What's so happy about tons of high calorie foods?

With a bunch of your family members watching you?

I can't do this.....I'm going to binge, I know I am.

Fuck.

Have you had your daily dose of "Lawl?"