You don't fucking UNDERSTAND!

I am so SICK and TIRED of people telling me what to fucking do with myself.

Especially when they don't understand what the hell I'm going through, or that they're fucking PERFECT compared to me and it makes me feel like shit when I'm around them.

I spent the weekend at my boyfriend's house, which I hate doing because:

#1: His psycho mom is a bitch and loves to tell me how to raise MY child,

#2: I can't get away with not eating anything, because he MAKES me eat.

I woke up today in a pretty good mood, and I knew I wasn't going to binge or over eat, at least not by choice. But no. My boyfriend wakes up, makes me go into the kitchen with him, and tells me to get breakfast. I would have been fine with a glass of orange juice, but he grabs me a plate and places a cinnimon roll on it. A cinnimon roll?! Do you know how fattening that shit is? Not only that, but when I tell him "That's fine, I just want this," he piles on a second roll, and hands me a yogurt cup. I was PISSED. I did not want to eat any of that, but I can't NOT eat around him, or it causes problems between us, and then HE refuses to eat until I agree to. I absolutely HATE that. He doesn't understand.

He's PERFECT. He's GORGEOUS. He's SKINNY!

He couldn't understand why I hate myself so much, because he's never been fat like I am. He's been skinny all his life. He's the type that can eat whatever the hell he wants to, and not gain a damn pound. And then HE sits there and jokes about how he doesn't need to eat because he's fat.....I just can't take it.....I just want to tell him so badly that my eating disorder is back; that I'm relapsing. But he wouldn't understand. No one understands. Not unless you're like me...

And just so you can see how skinny he is...I took pictures.

And he wonders why I hate eating around him...I feel like a damn cow when I do...):

Le jour huit.

Short term goals:

#1: Reach 120 lbs.

#2: Fit into my old jeans again.

#3: Start going to the gym at least twice a week.

#4: Stop eating processed foods.

#5: Stop being FAT.

Thinspo.

I've been stuck at 130 lbs since last week.

I'm not losing anything at all, no matter how much I starve.

So since I'm feeling like a worthless, fat cow, here's some thinspo.

^^ She's my favourite. ^^



Le jour sept.

My boyfriend and my son have impacted me so much lately, I love them.

Why?

"Why? You want to know why?

Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes, as long as they are tight.

Smoke gunpowder and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst of all, "a disappointment." Puke and starve and cut and drink because you don't want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and drink and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can't stop.

Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that every single thing is wrong with you.

"Why?" is the wrong question.

Ask "Why not?"

-Laurie Halse Anderson