Jealousy.

I'm so sick and tired of being such a jealous person.

It doesn't matter who it is, I find something to be jealous about. It's really giving me and my boyfriend issues. I see a girl I think is better looking, skinnier, nicer, funnier, cooler, etc, than me; and I just HAVE to say something about it that makes him so upset with me. "You want her." or "I bet you'd rather be with someone more like that than with me."

I HATE myself for it but I can't stop. I know he cares for me, genuinely. I know it hurts him when I say these things, but I can't seem to stop saying them. And it's worse when it deals with his ex. I always bring her up for no damn reason at all, and it hurts us both. I know she's not prettier than me, I know she's not skinnier, smarter, nicer, funnier either; but I feel like she's still better than me. Even though she's a lying, dirty, ugly little whore. I just can't help but feel she's STILL better than me somehow, and he'd rather be with her, or anyone else besides me.

I'm tired of feeling so flawed.
I want to be perfect..

):

Le jour six.

He's hot and he's badass.

What other reasons do I need? ;D

Le jour cinq.



Philadelphia, PA.

Boy do I love...

The way your scent lingers.

I just want to wrap myself in your clothing,

since your scent fades so easily from mine.

Boy do I love you.

Le jour quatre.

I wish I didn't binge.

I wish I didn't bite my nails.

I wish I'd stop twitching my nose.

Stupid bad habits.

Spring Diet, Week 1.

So I'm starting a spring diet, in hope I'll have a skinny new bod by summer.

The first week starts today, March 28th, and ends April 3rd.

This is how it'll go:

Day 1: 700 cals.
Day 2: 700 cals.

Day 3: 500 cals.
Day 4: 600 cals.

Day 5: 300 cals.

Day 6: 400 cals.

Day 7: 500 cals.

Lets hope I lose something.

Red = Failed.
Green = Passed.
Blue = Current.

Le jour trois.

Sister, Mother, Me, Boyfriend.

Siblings and boyfriend.

Father and my son.

My son.

I'm disgusting.

I didn't mean to, but I ended up eating way too much.

I started off good, I really did.

For breakfast I had a banana.

But for some dumbass reason I had a second.

For lunch I had lemon chicken stir fry with white rice.

Which sadly was pretty fattening.

And I also had an entire Daffin's chocolate bar...

I'm almost at my daily limit.

So either I don't eat dinner, or I do and exercise my ass off later, or purge.

I'm at my grandmother's so I can't purge...nor can I skip a meal...

So I guess I'm exercising like crazy when I get home.

I feel so damn disgusting right now.

I want to just shove my fingers down my throat and vomit until there's nothing but blood.

I'm such a fat ass....

Le jour deux.

I didn't really plan on my blog name having a meaning.

But I suppose I chose what I did because,

even though I hate everything about myself,

I have hopes that others see me differently.

Maybe I am darling in someone else's eyes.

It's nice to think I could be...♥

Le jour l'un.

1. My name is Jackie Marie.

2. I'm the mother to a wonderful boy.

3. I suffer from disordered eating...
4. I'm starting college in September for medical assistance.

5. Joshua James is my boyfriend.

6. My ears are stretched to 7/16".

7. I plan on getting more peircings and tattoos.

8. I'm afraid of the dark, spiders, small spaces, and obesity.

9. I have some pretty high standards.

10. World of Warcraft is amazing.

11. I used to be "popular" one point in time.

12. I have dimples on my back and feet, it's cute.

13. Country music is pretty damn great.

14.  I'm mostly Irish, Czech and Hungarian.

15. I'm extremely insecure about my appearance.

Guess what darling...

You're missed terribly.

Today is the first day, in about 3 weeks, that I'm away from my boyfriend.

It's also the very first night Lyric is away from his father.

It's actually quite depressing....

I've grown too accustomed to sleeping next to you at night.

I don't know if I'll be able to get much rest tonight.

Being without you just feels so....wrong.

):

Progress.

12 days post partum.

135 lbs.

Losing is for winners.

Pre-pregnancy weight: 110 lbs.

Post Pregnancy weight: 170 lbs.

Current weight: 135 lbs.

Goal weight: 100 lbs.

I hope to be back down to my pre-pregnancy weight by April 20.

That gives me about 4 weeks.

25 lbs in 4 weeks, I think it's possible.

Just throw some dieting in,

add some yoga and pilates,

and TAH-DAH!

Skinny in no time.

I am...

Sick.
I think it's finally time that I admit,
I have an eating disorder.

And there is no cure.

 

"I am forever engaged in a silent battle in my head over whether or not to lift the fork to my mouth, and when I talk myself into doing so, I taste only shame. I have an eating disorder."
— Jena Morrow

Lyric Kaden Kale.

He was born March 8, 2011, at 7:27 pm.

21 inches. 9 lbs, 2 oz.

Blue eyes. Tan skin.

Mom's lips. Dad's nose.

He's COMPLETELY perfect in every single way.

The most beautiful child I have ever seen.

I found out I was pregnant on Joshua's eighteenth birthday, July 15, 2010. We wanted to wait until after college to have a baby, but our plans didn't matter. When we found out I was honestly afraid. I didn't know how we'd care for a baby. I didn't know how our parents would react. I didn't want to be a teen mom. But no matter how afraid I was,  I knew we were going to keep this baby. I do admit though, I did think of abortion. I thought it'd be best for us, and best for the baby, not having to live with a mother who couldn't support it, with the judgement of friends, family, and strangers. I felt so ashamed I'd even consider the possibility of aborting, but I honestly felt like it was for the best, until I talked to Josh. He was so supportive, so loving, and completely wanting to have our child. He reassured me how much I meant to him, how much he loved me. Even though this wasn't what we planned,  he was more than eager to start our family. Because of him we have our son. I dealt with the rude remarks, the judgement, the cruelty. And it was all worth it, it really was. I couldn't feel like this was the right choice more than I already do. Having this baby has made me the happiest I've ever been.

I love you Joshua & Lyric.

You both are my everything,

I never knew love like this before you two.

My heart belongs to you.<3

I'm going to be...

Brutally honest.

About EVERYTHING.
I'm tired.
Tired of lying.
Tired of hiding.
Tired of pretending.

There will be no more looking the other way.
No more unanswered questions you were too afraid to ask.

 

I'm shoving it down all of your throats.

You will know the truth,

whether you like it or not.

 

Accept it.

 

This is who I am.