Le jour treize.

Dear Joshua,

       This letter is never going to get to you, ever, but I need to write it anyways. You're not the same person you used to be. You've changed so much. You never treat me the same as you used to. I don't know if those are the reasons I no longer feel connected to you, or maybe I was never really in love. It's hard to tell at this moment. All I know is I'm not happy. You don't make me happy. It hurts terribly the things you do and say, or don't do and say. Is it really too much to ask for you to pay attention to me from time to time? I mean, REALLY pay attention? Or do and say sweet things for me like you used to?

       I chose to have our baby because you convinced me it was the best for us. I believed it would bring us closer together. Insead, it's torn us apart. I love my son to death and I'll never regret having him, I just meant you promised something, and once again didn't pull through in keeping that promise. Do you know I cry every single day? Maybe not physical tears, but I cry, on the inside. I just want you to notice I'm not happy. Notice that something is terribly wrong with me. You haven't even noticed I took up purging and starving again. You never think twice about my skipping meals and "never being hungry", or always being "too sick to eat."

       Maybe you haven't hurt me physically, but you're hurting my emotionally. I just don't know how much longer I can take it. You need to open your eyes and see that I need more from you. If you don't....I'm terrified I won't be able to keep this relationship going...I can't be with someone who doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated. I know I don't deserve it, but it's still nice to have someone who actually cares about you and can show it. You just don't. I don't know if you do it on purpose or you just can't. Either way, it's not enough. I need to be cared about. I need to know I'm cared about. Like you used to do....

       I love you, but I'm losing my patience waiting for you to show me you love me in return......

Update.

Prom is today!!

I have a really great dress, and amazing shoes.

It's making me all giddy and what not.

Which is odd, I never want to go to dances.

My birthday is in FIVE days.

I still have no idea what I'm doing for it.

My dad hasn't even asked me what I want to do.

I'm going to be an ADULT.

How cool is that?

My son will be 2 months in three days.

He's getting big so fast...too fast.

It doesn't seem like that long ago I had him.

It makes me somewhat depressed.

Graduation is in 38 days.

I'm finally going to be out of high school and in to college.

I'm starting to feel rather old....

Downer:

I'm not losing any weight.

I'm not gaining any either.

I've been stuck at 130 lbs for the past 3 weeks.

It's maintainging itself no matter how little I eat.

So I decided to stop my diet since it isn't working.

This doesn't mean I'm going to eat whatever now.

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

I am definitely keeping an eye out on my calorie intake.

I'm just not going to continue the diet.

Once summer rolls around I'll be able to go to the gym more often.

And trust me, I'll be spending most of my day there.

Most of my week actually, unless I get a job.

Anyway, that's what's happening.

I must go now, I need to get ready for prom.(:

Stay thin.

Getting Personal.

I'm extremely bored. So here's a pretty personal survey about myself.

1. Ever cheated on someone? How many times?:

 Yes. I've cheated on five guys. All of them were assholes and abused me.

I feel no regret/guilt about doing so.

2. How old were you when you lost your virginity? Or if you are a virgin, what age do you think you’ll lose it at?:

I didn't lose my virginity willingly. I was forced into it.

The first time I did have sex willingly, I was fifteen, nearly sixteen.

3. Are you “IN love” with somebody?

So in love with him.

5. Did you ever do anything sexual on your parents bed?:

No, never.

6. Ever been “the other person” in an affair?: 

I dated a guy, who apparently was already in a relationship.

I had no idea he was with someone, so we both were kind of "the other person."

7. How many people do you have a crush on right now?:

One, and it's much more than a crush.

9. Ever had a one night stand?:

No. Never have and never will.

10. Ever gotten drunk and couldn’t remember the night?:

No I have not.

11. Ever been sexually harassed and/or assaulted?:

Both, multiple times.

12. Ever had a crush on your neighbor?:

I don't know my neighbors.

13. Ever snuck out of the house?:

Yes.

14. How many illegal drugs have you tried?

Marijuana.

15. Do you do any drug regularly?:

Marijuana whenever I can.

16. If you’re underage, do you still drink and/or smoke cigarettes?:

I don't smoke cigarettes.

But yes, I drink alcohol.

17. Ever self-harmed?:

Yes.

18. Ever attempted suicide?:

I don't have the guts...

19. Ever been to therapy? Why for?:

Yes. Depression and eating disorders.

20. Have you ever been so upset that you stopped eating?:

Multiple times.

21. Are you clinically depressed? Are you taking anything for it?:

So they say. I used to take Wellbutrin and some other stuff. Not any longer though.

23. How old were you when you first got kissed?:

I think maybe thirteen.

It was god-aweful.

24. Is there any “friend” of yours that you secretly hate but talk to anyway?:

I don't hate him/her, I just dislike them slightly. But everyone's got a friend like that.

25. Ever been in a relationship and wanted to end it, but stuck with it for some reason?:

Yeah, it was so stupid.

26. Ever sent naked pictures to someone?:

Only to my recent boyfriend.

27. What about sent them to someone you met over the internet?:

No way. Never.

28. Ever been abused?:

Yeah, and I was dumb enough to not say anything...

29. Did you ever run away? How long were you gone for and what happened?:

No, but I thought of it a lot when I lived with my mom. I even packed my stuff, but she found it and I got in a lot of trouble, lol.

30. Do you ever lie to yourself about things so much that you believe it?:

I try. I try so hard to make myself believe I'm beautiful, but it just doesn't work.

31. Have you ever liked someone when you were dating someone else?:

Lol, I've dated five people while being obsessed with my current boyfriend. So yes.

32. Ever dated a friend’s ex?:

Uhm, kind of I suppose. But we weren't friends until after I started dating the guy.

33. Ever done something with your friend’s significant other?

No way, I could never do something like that.

34. Did anyone ever confide in you about being gay/lesbian?:

Yeahhh, my bestfriend!<3

35. Have you ever questioned your sexual orientation? What are you?:

Yeah. It's still in question.

36. Do you know of someone who has done a horrible crime but never got caught?

Yes...

37. Ever stole a large sum of money?:

God no. People who do are pitiful.

38. Ever purposely threw up?:

Yeah....

39. Ever had an eating disorder? What happened?:

They say I'm anorexic and bulimic.

40. Did you or anyone you know have an abortion? What were your thoughts?:

I've never had one, but I know people. And it's their choice. It's just the best option for some situations.  

41. Were you or any of your siblings in an accident?:

Yeah, we've been in a couple car accidents, nothing major.

42. Ever found porn on your parents’ computer?:

Eww. No.

43. Do you look at porn?:

Again, ewww, and no.

44. How many people have seen you naked in person?:

Only two.

45. What about through pictures?:

Only one.

46. Ever had cyber/phone sex?

With my boyfriend.

47. Ever got a piercing behind your parents’ back?:

No, but I stretched my ears without permission. They're my ears, it's not like people can control what I do with my body.

48. Ever sold or bought an illegal substance (drugs, or something you shouldn’t be buying at your age, things like that)?:

No. 

49. What’s your biggest fear?:

Losing my son.

Being fat.

50. Have you ever faced that fear? What happened?:

Not the first.

But I am fat, so yes to the second.

51. Have you ever almost died? What happened?:

I ODed on my antidepressants.

I got so sick I was shaking violently and getting extremely hot.

I forced myself to throw up so I wouldn't die.

I'm so weak it's pathetic...

Happy Easter?

What's so happy about tons of high calorie foods?

With a bunch of your family members watching you?

I can't do this.....I'm going to binge, I know I am.

Fuck.

Have you had your daily dose of "Lawl?"



Le jour douze.

I found out about blogspot from a friend who uses it.

I decided to make one because I never really had anyone to tell my thoughts to, and it's much easier to put my thoughts out in writing than it is for me to do so while speaking.

Plus this allows me to vent without having the fear of what people close to me will think, since I haven't told anyone I have a blog.

Le jour onze.

Don't mind me, I was wasted and looked like shit.

Been gone so long!

I apologize to anyone who reads my blog, for being so absent lately.

My laptop totally fucked itself to where I couldn't use it, and I couldn't log in for some reason from my dad's computer. Anyways, I've got a few updates I suppose.

Well first off, my mom never ended up coming out like she said she would. Again she had the excuse that the car wasn't working and she sent her boyfriend to get it fixed. She was supposed to call and let me know when she could make it out, yet never did. I haven't heard from her since the day she was supposed to drive out. Thanks a lot, "mom."

I've been doing super good at my diet. But I'm not updating as much due to lack of time at the moment. But I'll update every so often. I went to the gym the other day. It was so amazing. I worked out to the point all of my muscles ached. I can't wait to go back!

I went out last weekend with my boyfriend. We went to a friend's birthday party. Ended up getting pretty drunk. It felt so good to let go and relax a bit. Plus it gave me an excuse not to eat that night, and also led to the most amazing sex EVER.

Ha, my boyfriend's slutty, ugly ex messaged me a few days ago, it went something like:

"im not here to start anything..just wanted to ask how everythings going? how do you like being a mommy? and when did you have him, hes cute. :] "

Wtf? I hate this little bitch, and she knows it, I've told her before when she tried being all friendly and shit. Now she's trying to act all nice and ask about MY son? Fuck her. She probably just wants to know how my boyfriend is because God knows she's a whore and wants every man. Not like she can get him back though, I look so much better. Plus I'm not a skank.

Prom is in two weeks, and then my birthday a week later. I can't wait! I've got three dresses to choose from, and I already bought my tickets. I haven't been this excited in a long time. I hope I look good. :D 

I'll post pictures of the dresses sometime later.

Stay thin!

Thanks mom..

My mother has never been in my life. Sure, I've lived with her when I was younger, but she was absent until I was nine years old. And even after I moved in with her, she was NEVER home. She was out getting drunk and gambling. I was basically her babysitter. I did everything for her. After I turned eleven I moved back in with my dad due to my mother's boyfriend abusing me..and after that, I never seen her or heard from her again until just recently. I'm nearly eighteen years old. So, out of 18 years of my life, my mother has only been present 3 of those years.

Well, she came back into my life recently when i got in touch with her boyfriend's niece. She started visiting me and acting as if she was going to STAY in my life, and I was naive enough to believe that just maybe she would this time. But no. Recently she's been making promises and plans about coming out and taking me shopping or going out to eat, just to turn around and cancel our plans.

First it was her van was broke down, which makes no sense because she's constantly taking my siblings to Chuck E. Cheese and the movies. Second it was she was sick, or my siblings were sick. That would have been believeable, if she didn't get "sick" every single time she's supposed to come out.

And yesterday just pushed me over the edge. She asked if I wanted to go out to eat and to the store, and I said yes. But I guess she ignored my calls and texts until it was "too late." She ends up texting back, finally, after 4 hours of trying to get a hold of her, to say that she already went out and it was "too late, but we'll go tomorrow." How the hell do you invite your own child somewhere, and then ignore them and go out by yourself? Does she not feel ANY guilt?!

 Ugh,....I'm just waiting for her to call me or text me making up some excuse as to why we can't go out today.

I hate this. ):

SGD Day #4

Breakfast:

-Nothing.

Lunch:

-Nothing.

Dinner:

-Subway 6 inch Chipotle Steak Sub (600 cals.)

Total: 600 calories.

SGD Day #3

Breakfast:

-Nothing.

Lunch:

-2 cups broccoli, plain (38 cals.)

-12 oz can Dr. Pepper (140 cals.)

Dinner:

-Nothing.

Total: 178 Calories.

I was NOT in the mood for eating.

Do it before it's too late.

You know what looks amazing?

Body suspension.

It just looks like it'd be one of the most wonderful, exhilarating experiences you could ever have.

What is body suspension?

It's beautiful.

But for those who really have no idea what it is;

A suspension is the act of suspending a human body from hooks that have been put through body piercings. These piercings are temporary and are performed just prior to the actual suspension. Suspensions are sometimes used for meditation supposedly to gain a higher level of spiritual fulfillment or awareness. It can also be used as entertainment or as performance art. Acrobatic actions may be performed, most commonly during a 'suicide' suspension.

Isn't that beautiful?

I want to do this at least once in my life.

Maybe I'll get closer to a "God."

Maybe I won't, but the experience will still be just as great.

This is beauty to me.

SGD Day #2

Breakfast:

-Whole Fruit Mango Fruit Bar, 1/2 (30 cals.)

Lunch:

-Steamed Broccoli, Plain, 1 cup (19 cals.)

-Vlasic Zesty Dill Pickle Spears, 3 (0 cals.)

-Medium Strawberry (2 cals.)

Dinner:

-Hamburger w/ mustard (210 cals.)

-Vlasic Zesty Dill Pickle Spear (0 cals.)

-Kraft White Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese, 2/3 cup (220 cals.)

Total: 481 cals.

:D

It controls everything.

I was having a dream last night, my first one (that I actually remember having) in a long time.

Want to know what it was about? My sister eating all of my organic, low-cal food.

In the dream I was confronting her about how my food was missing, and she admits to eating it. We get into this huge fight, f-bombs are going off left and right, I'm calling her not so nice things that relate to her weight, and out of no where she calls me an "obese slut." My sister is five feet, two inches, and 200+ pounds; I am five feet, four inches, and 130 pounds. So this obviously upsets me beyond everything else, and I lash out. I just thrust my arm out and punch her as hard as I could in the face. End of dream.

Whilst asleep I guess I was tossing and turning, and when I lashed out in my dream, I also did so in real life. I apparently face palmed my boyfriend, who was sleeping next to me and our son, with pretty strong force; enough to wake us both and leave my hand stinging awhile afterwards. I don't know what to feel worse about, the fact I physically abused my boyfriend in my sleep; or that I realized it wasn't actually my sister in my dream; instead, it was a larger image of myself.

Have I really let anorexia take control of who I am?

Am I honestly defined by my eating disorder?

I can't escape my obsession with being thin.

Not while I'm awake, and not while I'm asleep.

My mind is so focused on what not to eat and what to eat.

I am anorexia.

SGD Day #1

Day one of my Skinny Girl Diet was a total BUST.

Breakfast: 2 strawberry toaster struddles (360 cals.)

Lunch: 2 Taco Bell volcano tacos (460 cals.)

Dinner: Fries (440 cals.), Steak Burger (440 cals.), Oreo Shake (782 cals.)

Total: 2,482 calories.

What the FUCK?

This is why I HATE going out to eat.

I'm so glad I purged most of that.

Tomorrow I am going to be so hard on myself, I might not eat at all.

I'm a fucking fatass.

Le jour dix.

Happy: "I'm Yours" Jason Mraz

Sad: "Goodbye, I'm Sorry" Jamestown Story

Bored: Anything by The Misfits

Hyper: Anything by Family Force Five

Mad: Anything by Atreyu

Le jour neuf.

How the hell could I be proud of myself?

I'm still ugly. I'm still fat. I'm still imperfect.

I can't even keep to a diet for longer than a day before I binge.

I used to have so much CONTROL.

Now I fear I have none left.

What's happened to me?

):

You don't fucking UNDERSTAND!

I am so SICK and TIRED of people telling me what to fucking do with myself.

Especially when they don't understand what the hell I'm going through, or that they're fucking PERFECT compared to me and it makes me feel like shit when I'm around them.

I spent the weekend at my boyfriend's house, which I hate doing because:

#1: His psycho mom is a bitch and loves to tell me how to raise MY child,

#2: I can't get away with not eating anything, because he MAKES me eat.

I woke up today in a pretty good mood, and I knew I wasn't going to binge or over eat, at least not by choice. But no. My boyfriend wakes up, makes me go into the kitchen with him, and tells me to get breakfast. I would have been fine with a glass of orange juice, but he grabs me a plate and places a cinnimon roll on it. A cinnimon roll?! Do you know how fattening that shit is? Not only that, but when I tell him "That's fine, I just want this," he piles on a second roll, and hands me a yogurt cup. I was PISSED. I did not want to eat any of that, but I can't NOT eat around him, or it causes problems between us, and then HE refuses to eat until I agree to. I absolutely HATE that. He doesn't understand.

He's PERFECT. He's GORGEOUS. He's SKINNY!

He couldn't understand why I hate myself so much, because he's never been fat like I am. He's been skinny all his life. He's the type that can eat whatever the hell he wants to, and not gain a damn pound. And then HE sits there and jokes about how he doesn't need to eat because he's fat.....I just can't take it.....I just want to tell him so badly that my eating disorder is back; that I'm relapsing. But he wouldn't understand. No one understands. Not unless you're like me...

And just so you can see how skinny he is...I took pictures.

And he wonders why I hate eating around him...I feel like a damn cow when I do...):

Le jour huit.

Short term goals:

#1: Reach 120 lbs.

#2: Fit into my old jeans again.

#3: Start going to the gym at least twice a week.

#4: Stop eating processed foods.

#5: Stop being FAT.

Thinspo.

I've been stuck at 130 lbs since last week.

I'm not losing anything at all, no matter how much I starve.

So since I'm feeling like a worthless, fat cow, here's some thinspo.

^^ She's my favourite. ^^



Le jour sept.

My boyfriend and my son have impacted me so much lately, I love them.

Why?

"Why? You want to know why?

Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes, as long as they are tight.

Smoke gunpowder and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst of all, "a disappointment." Puke and starve and cut and drink because you don't want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and drink and cut because you need the anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can't stop.

Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that every single thing is wrong with you.

"Why?" is the wrong question.

Ask "Why not?"

-Laurie Halse Anderson