I was having a dream last night, my first one (that I actually remember having) in a long time.
Want to know what it was about? My sister eating all of my organic, low-cal food.
In the dream I was confronting her about how my food was missing, and she admits to eating it. We get into this huge fight, f-bombs are going off left and right, I'm calling her not so nice things that relate to her weight, and out of no where she calls me an "obese slut." My sister is five feet, two inches, and 200+ pounds; I am five feet, four inches, and 130 pounds. So this obviously upsets me beyond everything else, and I lash out. I just thrust my arm out and punch her as hard as I could in the face. End of dream.
Whilst asleep I guess I was tossing and turning, and when I lashed out in my dream, I also did so in real life. I apparently face palmed my boyfriend, who was sleeping next to me and our son, with pretty strong force; enough to wake us both and leave my hand stinging awhile afterwards. I don't know what to feel worse about, the fact I physically abused my boyfriend in my sleep; or that I realized it wasn't actually my sister in my dream; instead, it was a larger image of myself.
Have I really let anorexia take control of who I am?
Am I honestly defined by my eating disorder?
I can't escape my obsession with being thin.
Not while I'm awake, and not while I'm asleep.
My mind is so focused on what not to eat and what to eat.
I am anorexia.
